Monday, April 23, 2012

Most Common Things

Most common thing I say out loud, to myself, in no particular order.

Good girl
Go potty
Go poop
Molly Molly Molly Molly Molly Molly Molly
Pretty girl
So sweet
Damn, that is a pretty sweet Earth you might say. ROUND.
Where's my husband?
Have I lost my mind?

The first eight may not actually qualify as things I say to myself, simply because they are most often directed towards my dog, Molly. However, I included them here simply because a dog, while wonderful, and fun, and awesome, can't talk back.

As for "Where's my husband?", it's not that my husband randomly runs off to go to strip clubs or shady hotel rooms, but that I often find myself playing impromptu games of hide-and-go-seek with him. Neither of us are aware we are playing, certainly not him, but it's often a lively game that begins something like this: Josh goes outside. I'm sitting around, reading or on the computer or whathaveyou, and 10 minutes go by. Then 20, then 30, and I find myself saying "Where's my husband?" So I get up and wander around the house calling "Josh?" and looking in all his favorite places. The bathroom, his room (not really his room, just where he keeps all his crap. And no I'm not one of those wives who takes all his favorite things and sticks him in a Man Cave so I don't have to see his Man Crap. He is in the Army and therefor has a lot of Army Crap and the only solution was to give him his own room to house said Crap.), the garage. With each new place coming up empty my calls of "Josh?" come out weaker, and weaker, and more confused, and unsure, and small. When I don't find him in any of these places I begin looking in weird places just because I am a believer in the theory that when you can't find something, it's probably in the most unexpected places. So I start opening closets and looking under the bed, as you can likely tell, he is an excellent hider. When those places come up lacking, which is always, I go outside since I remember I heard or saw him go outside. So I look in the backyard, the front yard, check to make sure the cars are there, then the neighbors yard, usually if he is not in any of the first 15 places, he will be in the neighbors gazebo. In the rare instances where I still haven't found him, I'll go back to the house with the intention of calling him, I'll take one last quick look around just to make sure, and that's when I find him, in the bathroom, or lounging on the couch, and I begin to wonder "Have I lost my mind?" or "Has my husband discovered teleportation? We'll be rich!". Then I say "There you are!" acting as if I have won this round, finally, but truth be told, he made it to home base and I lose again.

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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Future Potential Home Owners... this is for you.

Hello all (Mom)! Lucky for you, I am going to give you some of the best advice you are likely to hear in your lifetime. Yes, it is that good. Are you ready?.......

Don't ever buy a house. Not ever. You really don't want one. I know it sounds awesome and fun to own the place where you live and you can do stuff like paint and crap. But I promise you it's a really bad idea. Although you might think you are going to get one of these...

what you are really getting is one of these...
So sexy.

That's right. A big pain in the ass.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day

Well everyone, it's that time of the year again. Valentine's day. And whether you love it, or hate it, think it's a great excuse to spice up your relationship, or a meaningless corporate holiday, here are some tips to make it through.

1. Get to know your significant other better while also being extremely romantic by asking interesting questions.

What are your top 4 favorite organs of mine?

This can be a very revealing question especially if you think your new date just might be a serial killer. Acceptable answers include, heart and brain. Answers that will leave your date running for the hills include your kidneys (By the way, how do you feel about ice baths in motel rooms?) and your appendix (That I keep in a jar by my bed). If your date gives you those answers you might want to head for the back exit that I know you scoped out on your trip to the restroom.

2. Scope out that back exit on the way to the restroom.

3. Forget the rejection hotline, memorize the number of a pizza joint across town, that way when your date realizes they have been rejected they can order pizza to take their minds off it instead of stalking you and stealing your organs.

4. Show them you care. You know your long time girlfriend is expecting you to propose but you aren't ready to take that step or think that proposing on Valentine's day is totally cliche, buy her a ring pop! That way she gets the ring she has been waiting for and you get off without making a commitment. It is also a great way to test her sense of humor or for testing the waters if you are ready propose but aren't sure she feels the same way.

5. Is your girl allergic to roses or chocolate but loves to party? Buy her some tequila rose instead! It's delicious, it's pink, and it might even help you get lucky! Okay, this tip is terrible. Don't do that. Also, if your girlfriend is waiting for you to propose, don't get her a ring pop. That's just asking for trouble. I mean really. Unless she has a really great sense of humor, you're about to get slapped. And if she does have an awesome sense of humor and thinks your ring pop gag was great then you probably should have that diamond in your pocket because you don't want to let that girl go!

For all those of you suckers that are single on this day, of all days, fear not, I have tips for you as well.

1. Turn off your phone, post a facebook status about your super hot date, turn off all the lights grab a deck of cards a gallon of ice cream and hunker down to play solitaire all night long. The next day write a post about how crazy or creepy your date was to prevent your mother from asking when you are going to bring your date over to meet her and how do they feel about children because you know, I'm not going to be around forever and it's about time you gave me some grandchildren. Refer to number 1 above for an excuse as to why you gave your fake date the number to that pizza place across town.

2. Invite yourself to be a third wheel and spend the entire evening seeing how uncomfortable, awkward, and miserable you can make someone else on their date. That way you can justify that Valentine's day is awful whether you have a date or not!

3. Stop keeping track of what day it is on January 28th. That way you will roll right past Valentine's day without even knowing it. And possibly all of your appointments and business meetings. This also might cause you to show up for work on Saturday.

This author claims no liability or responsibility for injuries or deaths that occur due to the direct or indirect use of any of the above tips.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Adventures in oral surgery.

I recently had oral surgery to remove all four wisdom teeth. The bottom teeth were impacted with the left one getting a little lost on it's way into my mouth and deciding to try and go completely sideways. It was basically like that children's song about there were 3 in the bed and the little one said roll over roll over and they all rolled over and one fell out. Only it started with 16 and none of them fell out. So really it was nothing like the song except the tooth with a horrible sense of direction kept telling all the other teeth to move over but they wouldn't so they just kind of squished and tried to get as far away from the freak of a wisdom tooth that they possibly could.
Me's goin tat way!! We is freinds.              Ew. Don't touch me.

When having oral surgery you remember very little. Especially if you tell them you are really nervous and have never had an IV or been put to sleep and the first time you had ever had Novocain was the day before your oral surgery because then they give you drugs to take before you even set foot in the office. So I took my magic pill one hour before the surgery as instructed and was feeling pretty good. I didn't realize exactly how good I was feeling until I looked back on the incident.

I basically don't remember anything from the time I took my magic pill to the next day. I remember arriving at the office, and the secretary that I made best friends with during my consultation greeting me, and commenting on how I was looking like I felt pretty good after taking my pill, and I smiled and nodded and handed her my credit card. She then handed me the receipt and told me I needed to sign it, which I did, and preceded to cackle maniacally and say, a little too loudly, "That's not my signature!" I then went to sit on the couch and they all yelled "No don't sit down! You need to go back to the room!"

I complied, and sat down in the dentist chair, and all I could see were my bright BRIGHT green socks, florescent really, and my bright BRIGHT pink shoes.
Because I have style              

I know there were people in the room but I couldn't tell you how many. Maybe two or three. I said something about my socks. That they were crazy, or happy, or both and one of the people said something about how they will be great to wake up to but I wasn't listening. Then they put the gas mask on me and the oxygen thing up my nose and told me to breath, so I complied but I was really confused, I didn't know how to breath. I breathed through my mouth but the gas tasted gross so then I breathed through my nose but I wasn't going to sleep and I couldn't breath out because the lady holding the mask to my face had a death grip on it and there was nowhere for the breath from my lungs to go when I exhaled. Eventually she figured out I was still awake and clearly I wasn't breathing right so she gave me a little more instruction "Take three good deep breaths," she said, and at this point the surgeon came in and started to say something to me but I didn't want to listen to him because I had to get this whole breathing thing right or they would think I was stupid and not give me my surgery then I fell asleep.

I guess it was about 45 minutes to an hour later that a nurse came and I awoke to an ice pack strapped around my head, gauze in my cheeks, and horrible breath, and I was upset because I was dreaming and she woke me up so I said "I was dreaming", and she said "Yep that happens sometimes, lets get you up." I barely remember getting in a wheelchair and she was telling me about how my hand would be bruised from the IV "Because you're so thin." So I was in the wheelchair and I have no idea who was controlling the thing, whether it was the nurse or J, but I just thought the whole wheelchair thing was magnificent, and in an attempt to convey just how awesome it was I exclaimed "I'm in a wheelchair!".
Wheelchairs RULE!

The next thing I remember is getting out of the car and unlocking the front door although J insists that I wouldn't stop talking the whole way home.

We got home and I was soooo thirsty! I felt like I had spent about a month in the desert and the taste in my mouth was just... wonderful. So I went to the sink and got some water but I guess I forgot that my face was still completely numb and stuffed with gauze so when I tried to take a drink about 95% of it went down the front of my shirt and the rest was absorbed by the gauze. I quickly gave up on that endeavor. After that things calmed down quite a bit, there was a lot of sleeping, and pain, and cold packs, and pill popping, and swelling. The swelling was mostly limited to the side with the confused tooth and J and the neighbors were very nice about it. It has since gone down significantly and is being replaced by a nice sickly shade of yellow. I guess I must be looking a lot better because my friends have stopped being so nice and are telling me that I looked like a blowfish.

So for any of you out there afraid to go under the knife, it not so bad, and actually can be quite amusing. It's the next day or two that suck, but you are on so many painkillers that you basically sleep through the worst of the pain. What they don't tell you, about all those magnificent painkillers though, is that you wont poop for a week. So look out.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

She Has No Ears

We recently acquired a set out outside cats. Down our street about two blocks, is a ditch, and apparently to evil people it is prime kitten dumping territory. Now some saint of a person went out and bought about a thousand food dishes, and set up little boxes to keep the food and the cats dry, and gave them a cute little nickname "The Sandfly Cats". They put up signs asking for cat food, and warning evil doers against dumping their unwanted kittens in this ditch. But these two don't live in the cat commune. They prefer to lay in the sun on our porch, hide from the rain in the neighbors shed, and harass our inside cats, torturing them with wild stories of the outside world. As you can probably guess, you get a lot of stray cats around here walking around as if they own the place, which has it's benefits, I guaranty you wont find any mice in your pantry. 

The first one that we met looked like this:
"Aw...." we thought, "Look she has no ears!" I exclaimed. J promptly went into the pantry to fetch a handful of cat food and set it outside by the door. The food was gone in around two seconds. Pretty soon this little one came by our backdoor every day. We decided that the wet handful of food on the ground would no longer do so I took out an old tupperware and we filled it to the brim and let her go to town. At this point she was very people shy and would only come as close as about eight feet from us.

As a few more days of a big bowl of food passed, she brought her boyfriend over. When they got here however, the tupperware was empty, and he was mad. 

He was all, "Hey! You said there was food here. WHERE'S THE FOOOOOOOOOD!?"  

Only it came out like this, "MREAOWWOROWWOWW," but she knew better. 

She knew any second that door would open and the two giant beings would come out with dried up bits of cardboard that smelled like chicken and fishoil and satisfied the ever grumbling tummy. And sure enough, that's exactly what happened. As soon as we set the food down and he got a snack in his belly, he walked right up and rubbed up against us in thanks. Soon after the one with no ears decided maybe we weren't so scary and came up for pets as well. 

I decided that the little one with no ears needed a name. I named her Buddy. And it looked as if we had another new friend, I called him Boyfriend. I have since renamed him to Shadow. He looks like this:
Now, we have two real cats too. Domino is a short tubby tuxedo and Skiba is a scrappy brown tabby. Domino, however has a rather sensitive digestive system, so we have to make sure we feed her the good stuff and stay away from "by-product meal" or else her usual stinky poops will turn into big wet messes that smell roughly like a garbage dump, mixed with an outhouse, with the eye watering properties of onions. But now that we had seemingly added two more to our little brood, all the cat food we were going through started to add up. We now have a separate $7, 50lbs bag of cat food and two happy outside cats. It's not good stuff, but they like it and it's putting some meat on their bones and supplementing the lizards and rodents that they catch on their own.

Moral of the story... don't abandon your pets. Not everyone is as nice as we are.

Friday, June 17, 2011

I wish there was a font for whining.

So I keep updating about when I am going to update my blog and then I never do. I keep telling myself, "Oh, I've just been so busy, I haven't had TIME to write a post. Besides, my mom is the only one who reads the blog anyway." Which isn't entirely true (well the mom part is. So here is a shout out to you mom). I've had some things on my mind, but haven't really been busy by anyone's standards. I've... drawn a lot of mermaids. I... drew a stegosaurus. I collaged an octopus. I've read other blogs. Other than just day to day living that's pretty much what I've been doing that has kept me so stiflingly busy that I have not written a blog post.

The worst part is the hypocrisy. Every time I read a new blog or check on an old favorite I get so irritated by the lack of updates and haphazard blogging schedules. Blogging is HARD. You rarely get paid, you have real world things to do, you get writers block, nothing interesting or funny happened, 80-90% of your readership is just lurking behind their screen and give you no indication that they read or enjoyed your blog. And as of right now, that 10% that does contribute, is my mom. And that's just sad, lets be honest.

So today, by way of an apology and maybe as some inspiration to get back to blogging, I leave you with these...

Feminine Wile      

This one requires a bit of explanation. I have a friend, who on paper,frankly just sounds like bubblegum. She is from Memphis Tennessee, lived there her whole life, was a cheerleader, on the dance team, and her favorite color is pink and she loves flowers. One day, a mutual friend and I were discussing this fact and I said, "Yeah, she pretty much sounds like a unicorn threw up," which resulted in a need to draw said unicorn throwing up said friend.

Friday, June 3, 2011