Well everyone, it's that time of the year again. Valentine's day. And whether you love it, or hate it, think it's a great excuse to spice up your relationship, or a meaningless corporate holiday, here are some tips to make it through.
1. Get to know your significant other better while also being extremely romantic by asking interesting questions.
What are your top 4 favorite organs of mine?
This can be a very revealing question especially if you think your new date just might be a serial killer. Acceptable answers include, heart and brain. Answers that will leave your date running for the hills include your kidneys (By the way, how do you feel about ice baths in motel rooms?) and your appendix (That I keep in a jar by my bed). If your date gives you those answers you might want to head for the back exit that I know you scoped out on your trip to the restroom.
2. Scope out that back exit on the way to the restroom.
3. Forget the rejection hotline, memorize the number of a pizza joint across town, that way when your date realizes they have been rejected they can order pizza to take their minds off it instead of stalking you and stealing your organs.
4. Show them you care. You know your long time girlfriend is expecting you to propose but you aren't ready to take that step or think that proposing on Valentine's day is totally cliche, buy her a ring pop! That way she gets the ring she has been waiting for and you get off without making a commitment. It is also a great way to test her sense of humor or for testing the waters if you are ready propose but aren't sure she feels the same way.
5. Is your girl allergic to roses or chocolate but loves to party? Buy her some tequila rose instead! It's delicious, it's pink, and it might even help you get lucky! Okay, this tip is terrible. Don't do that. Also, if your girlfriend is waiting for you to propose, don't get her a ring pop. That's just asking for trouble. I mean really. Unless she has a really great sense of humor, you're about to get slapped. And if she does have an awesome sense of humor and thinks your ring pop gag was great then you probably should have that diamond in your pocket because you don't want to let that girl go!
For all those of you suckers that are single on this day, of all days, fear not, I have tips for you as well.
1. Turn off your phone, post a facebook status about your super hot date, turn off all the lights grab a deck of cards a gallon of ice cream and hunker down to play solitaire all night long. The next day write a post about how crazy or creepy your date was to prevent your mother from asking when you are going to bring your date over to meet her and how do they feel about children because you know, I'm not going to be around forever and it's about time you gave me some grandchildren. Refer to number 1 above for an excuse as to why you gave your fake date the number to that pizza place across town.
2. Invite yourself to be a third wheel and spend the entire evening seeing how uncomfortable, awkward, and miserable you can make someone else on their date. That way you can justify that Valentine's day is awful whether you have a date or not!
3. Stop keeping track of what day it is on January 28th. That way you will roll right past Valentine's day without even knowing it. And possibly all of your appointments and business meetings. This also might cause you to show up for work on Saturday.
This author claims no liability or responsibility for injuries or deaths that occur due to the direct or indirect use of any of the above tips.
