Most common thing I say out loud, to myself, in no particular order.
Molly
Good girl
Go potty
Go poop
No
Molly Molly Molly Molly Molly Molly Molly
Pretty girl
So sweet
Damn, that is a pretty sweet Earth you might say. ROUND.
Trip
Where's my husband?
Have I lost my mind?
Josh?
The first eight may not actually qualify as things I say to myself, simply because they are most often directed towards my dog, Molly. However, I included them here simply because a dog, while wonderful, and fun, and awesome, can't talk back.
As for "Where's my husband?", it's not that my husband randomly runs off to go to strip clubs or shady hotel rooms, but that I often find myself playing impromptu games of hide-and-go-seek with him. Neither of us are aware we are playing, certainly not him, but it's often a lively game that begins something like this: Josh goes outside. I'm sitting around, reading or on the computer or whathaveyou, and 10 minutes go by. Then 20, then 30, and I find myself saying "Where's my husband?" So I get up and wander around the house calling "Josh?" and looking in all his favorite places. The bathroom, his room (not really his room, just where he keeps all his crap. And no I'm not one of those wives who takes all his favorite things and sticks him in a Man Cave so I don't have to see his Man Crap. He is in the Army and therefor has a lot of Army Crap and the only solution was to give him his own room to house said Crap.), the garage. With each new place coming up empty my calls of "Josh?" come out weaker, and weaker, and more confused, and unsure, and small. When I don't find him in any of these places I begin looking in weird places just because I am a believer in the theory that when you can't find something, it's probably in the most unexpected places. So I start opening closets and looking under the bed, as you can likely tell, he is an excellent hider. When those places come up lacking, which is always, I go outside since I remember I heard or saw him go outside. So I look in the backyard, the front yard, check to make sure the cars are there, then the neighbors yard, usually if he is not in any of the first 15 places, he will be in the neighbors gazebo. In the rare instances where I still haven't found him, I'll go back to the house with the intention of calling him, I'll take one last quick look around just to make sure, and that's when I find him, in the bathroom, or lounging on the couch, and I begin to wonder "Have I lost my mind?" or "Has my husband discovered teleportation? We'll be rich!". Then I say "There you are!" acting as if I have won this round, finally, but truth be told, he made it to home base and I lose again.
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Monday, April 23, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Future Potential Home Owners... this is for you.
Hello all (Mom)! Lucky for you, I am going to give you some of the best advice you are likely to hear in your lifetime. Yes, it is that good. Are you ready?.......
Don't ever buy a house. Not ever. You really don't want one. I know it sounds awesome and fun to own the place where you live and you can do stuff like paint and crap. But I promise you it's a really bad idea. Although you might think you are going to get one of these...
what you are really getting is one of these...
That's right. A big pain in the ass.
Don't ever buy a house. Not ever. You really don't want one. I know it sounds awesome and fun to own the place where you live and you can do stuff like paint and crap. But I promise you it's a really bad idea. Although you might think you are going to get one of these...
what you are really getting is one of these...
 | |
| So sexy. |
That's right. A big pain in the ass.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day
Well everyone, it's that time of the year again. Valentine's day. And whether you love it, or hate it, think it's a great excuse to spice up your relationship, or a meaningless corporate holiday, here are some tips to make it through.
1. Get to know your significant other better while also being extremely romantic by asking interesting questions.
What are your top 4 favorite organs of mine?
This can be a very revealing question especially if you think your new date just might be a serial killer. Acceptable answers include, heart and brain. Answers that will leave your date running for the hills include your kidneys (By the way, how do you feel about ice baths in motel rooms?) and your appendix (That I keep in a jar by my bed). If your date gives you those answers you might want to head for the back exit that I know you scoped out on your trip to the restroom.
2. Scope out that back exit on the way to the restroom.
3. Forget the rejection hotline, memorize the number of a pizza joint across town, that way when your date realizes they have been rejected they can order pizza to take their minds off it instead of stalking you and stealing your organs.
4. Show them you care. You know your long time girlfriend is expecting you to propose but you aren't ready to take that step or think that proposing on Valentine's day is totally cliche, buy her a ring pop! That way she gets the ring she has been waiting for and you get off without making a commitment. It is also a great way to test her sense of humor or for testing the waters if you are ready propose but aren't sure she feels the same way.
5. Is your girl allergic to roses or chocolate but loves to party? Buy her some tequila rose instead! It's delicious, it's pink, and it might even help you get lucky! Okay, this tip is terrible. Don't do that. Also, if your girlfriend is waiting for you to propose, don't get her a ring pop. That's just asking for trouble. I mean really. Unless she has a really great sense of humor, you're about to get slapped. And if she does have an awesome sense of humor and thinks your ring pop gag was great then you probably should have that diamond in your pocket because you don't want to let that girl go!
For all those of you suckers that are single on this day, of all days, fear not, I have tips for you as well.
1. Turn off your phone, post a facebook status about your super hot date, turn off all the lights grab a deck of cards a gallon of ice cream and hunker down to play solitaire all night long. The next day write a post about how crazy or creepy your date was to prevent your mother from asking when you are going to bring your date over to meet her and how do they feel about children because you know, I'm not going to be around forever and it's about time you gave me some grandchildren. Refer to number 1 above for an excuse as to why you gave your fake date the number to that pizza place across town.
2. Invite yourself to be a third wheel and spend the entire evening seeing how uncomfortable, awkward, and miserable you can make someone else on their date. That way you can justify that Valentine's day is awful whether you have a date or not!
3. Stop keeping track of what day it is on January 28th. That way you will roll right past Valentine's day without even knowing it. And possibly all of your appointments and business meetings. This also might cause you to show up for work on Saturday.
This author claims no liability or responsibility for injuries or deaths that occur due to the direct or indirect use of any of the above tips.
1. Get to know your significant other better while also being extremely romantic by asking interesting questions.
What are your top 4 favorite organs of mine?
This can be a very revealing question especially if you think your new date just might be a serial killer. Acceptable answers include, heart and brain. Answers that will leave your date running for the hills include your kidneys (By the way, how do you feel about ice baths in motel rooms?) and your appendix (That I keep in a jar by my bed). If your date gives you those answers you might want to head for the back exit that I know you scoped out on your trip to the restroom.
2. Scope out that back exit on the way to the restroom.
3. Forget the rejection hotline, memorize the number of a pizza joint across town, that way when your date realizes they have been rejected they can order pizza to take their minds off it instead of stalking you and stealing your organs.
4. Show them you care. You know your long time girlfriend is expecting you to propose but you aren't ready to take that step or think that proposing on Valentine's day is totally cliche, buy her a ring pop! That way she gets the ring she has been waiting for and you get off without making a commitment. It is also a great way to test her sense of humor or for testing the waters if you are ready propose but aren't sure she feels the same way.
5. Is your girl allergic to roses or chocolate but loves to party? Buy her some tequila rose instead! It's delicious, it's pink, and it might even help you get lucky! Okay, this tip is terrible. Don't do that. Also, if your girlfriend is waiting for you to propose, don't get her a ring pop. That's just asking for trouble. I mean really. Unless she has a really great sense of humor, you're about to get slapped. And if she does have an awesome sense of humor and thinks your ring pop gag was great then you probably should have that diamond in your pocket because you don't want to let that girl go!
For all those of you suckers that are single on this day, of all days, fear not, I have tips for you as well.
1. Turn off your phone, post a facebook status about your super hot date, turn off all the lights grab a deck of cards a gallon of ice cream and hunker down to play solitaire all night long. The next day write a post about how crazy or creepy your date was to prevent your mother from asking when you are going to bring your date over to meet her and how do they feel about children because you know, I'm not going to be around forever and it's about time you gave me some grandchildren. Refer to number 1 above for an excuse as to why you gave your fake date the number to that pizza place across town.
2. Invite yourself to be a third wheel and spend the entire evening seeing how uncomfortable, awkward, and miserable you can make someone else on their date. That way you can justify that Valentine's day is awful whether you have a date or not!
3. Stop keeping track of what day it is on January 28th. That way you will roll right past Valentine's day without even knowing it. And possibly all of your appointments and business meetings. This also might cause you to show up for work on Saturday.
This author claims no liability or responsibility for injuries or deaths that occur due to the direct or indirect use of any of the above tips.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Update
After some recent computer trouble and a gruesome discovery of a broken heatsink bracket, I have ordered a replacement part due to arrive... hopefully by the end of this week. Once the part comes in I should be back up and running, provided I can get the wifi working. If not I will get creative and hopefully add a proper post anyway. Long story short, sometime next week there should be something interesting for you to look at. YAY!
UPDATE: Computer = fixed, Wifi = fixed, New post? Sadly no... Due to some blogger errors that will not allow me to upload the proper picture at this time, my return to the blogosphere has been postponed once again.
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